Sam Witwicky's Dating Advice

Crossposted and commissioned by Film.com

Over three Transformers films now, Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) has been befriending noble robots, taking down evil robots, and openly defying the US government, logic and decency. But perhaps the most unbelievable aspect of the character is the notion that he exclusively dates supermodels. He is only attracted to the hottest women on the planet and they only have eyes for him. What's the secret? How exactly does Sam Witwicky get girls like this? Maybe his dating advice will clear some things up. Take it away, Sam.

*****

When You First Meet Her, Act Like An Idiot
What? But how could this work? Trust me. The dorkier you seem on your meet-cute can only work in your favor. Breaking something valuable looking can only magnify the effect and is highly recommended. She will take pity on your failed attempt at being suave and spend a little time with you. This is your in! Use this time to implement some other tips on this list and she will be yours.

Tell Her You Saved The World A Couple Times
Throw in the fact that you are friends with robots and got a medal from the President, and she will be all over you. Yes, in my case it was true, but how was she supposed to know giant transforming robots are real? She believed it anyway and thought I was a hero, despite the fact that outside of the metal I got the day we met, I led a mostly sad, pointless existence.

Be A Mooching Deadbeat
It's very important when securing the perfect woman to be extremely down on yourself to the point of deadbeatdom. While jobless, make sure to move into her home, refuse to pay rent, and better yet, take it over for your own crazy, won't-make-you-any-money endeavors. Make sure to invite robot friends over, if you have them, so you can ensure that some nice things get broken. She needs to be reminded of your idiocy and from time to time so she feels too bad for you to leave you.

Be Extremely Jealous And Show It!
If there's one thing hot girls love, it's when you are being blindingly jealous. She has a cute boss? Yell at her about it! She is nice to her cute boss? Yell louder! If she responds sweetly that there is nothing to worry about and you are overreacting? You better freak out and punch your car a lot. Hopefully, it'll happen to turn out that the guy making eyes at her is evil and/or assisting the bad guys and she will think you have a heroic sixth sense and want you forever.

Pick Your Hobbies Over Her. At First.
Whether your hobbies are hiking or helping robots save the world, always pick them over her until you are done hiking/saving the world. It shows her you have a lot of passion for living and for your interests. Then when you "choose" her later on, it'll look like you are experiencing personal growth. Perfection.

Act Like A Dick To Both Her and Everyone Around You
Perhaps the most important tip of all. Make sure to take her for granted, complain constantly, get angry with her about anything and everything, but show her she isn't the only one you act like this towards. When you finally introduce her to your robot friends (again, if you are lucky enough to be in that position), make sure to be truly arrogant and condescending towards everyone you encounter along the way. Show her you mean business. She will see you in a place of universal power and be hooked.

Put Both Yourself And Her In Danger Whenever Possible
You know why they always go cliff diving and crap on The Bachelor, right? Experiencing a spike in adrenaline and endorphins while together, chemically brings you closer. So if you are ever going through a rough time, just go do something dangerous so she will worry (ESPECIALLY if she has lost family before because of risks they took) or involve her in something dangerous with you so you'll form an intense bond.

"Save Her Life"
Once you put her in a dangerous position, you MUST make sure to save her from it or at least look like you are saving her from it. Make her feel helpless, no matter how strong and capable she may be. Now is the time to turn pity into admiration, respect and dependence.

Don't Commit!
After you save her life and make her think you changed your ways for her, she will get a little excited and start getting ideas about a family and a future. When this starts to happen, IMMEDIATELY shoot it down. Stay cool. No need to lock it down yet, if at all. There are more hot supermodels who will want you where she came from.

*****

Thanks Sam! Man. What would we do without Transformers' accurate portrayal of how to get a woman, beautiful on the inside and out, to fall in love with you? Great advice for kids everywhere.

Oh, by the way, completely unrelated to the way Sam Witwicky treats women and Transformers 3, I just stabbed my eyeballs out.

Note: I think the scariest part of all of this is that I heard a 19 year old describe a method like this almost to a tee as a way to get girls a couple months ago. Comforting stuff. Good to know the movies they see support their asinine theories, isn't it? Sigh. See full post

Optimus Pride [Shirt of the Day]

I'm not a Transformers fan in really any way, shape or form, but if you are or you know someone who is - snatch this up! Gave me a good giggle.

To purchase the shirt for 18.99, just head to 247Magnum's Etsy page, where you'll find a bunch of other great pop culture themed t shirts. See full post

How to watch GI Joe

Got a text in my sleep from someone who I love very much who told me that he saw GI Joe and it made Transformers 2 look like The Godfather.

...

There is a whole post I need to write about the levels of "Awesome" a movie can be, ranging from legit amazing (Up is probably the only movie this year that has reached that so far) down to the kind of awesome/amazing that movies like Knowing and GI Joe are. Because as much as I loved GI Joe, I do not want you readers thinking I'm telling you GI Joe's level of quality matches something like Star Trek. Cause obviously it doesn't. And I fear that this text sender went into the movie thinking by "Amazing" I meant "Actual quality film" instead of "silly fun summer action DENNIS QUAID SAYS KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE movie with ninjas"

Which brings me to this quick word of advice. When I saw GI Joe, my friend and I sat down, looked at each other, said "this movie is going to be terrible", cracked open some beers, and it began. Right off the bat, we were like WHY ARE THEY IN OLDEN TIMES?! THIS IS AWESOME! And that pretty much sums up how the film went. Go see GI Joe to see some cool action and to laugh and to have an overall great time. Don't go in expecting The Dark Knight, people. Come on. See full post

Why GI Joe > Transformers 2: A Love Story

Okay, so, first of all, yes, duh, EVERYTHING is better than Transformers 2. We know this. But there are some very silly people out there who seem to have it in their minds that TF2 is a better film than its Hasbro pal, GI Joe. This...is simply not the case. And I am here to tell you why.

1. GI Joe has a plot

2. GI Joe has characters

3. GI Joe's action is pretty badass & enjoyable to watch

4. GI Joe trades Shia LePoop for Joseph Gordon Levitt (totally different roles, but JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT IS IN THIS MOVIE)

5. GI Joe trades talking robots for NINJAS

6. GI Joe trades racist robots for AWESOME NANOTBOTS THAT EAT THE WORLD

7. GI Joe doesn't have bizarre homoerotic tension between characters who should NEVER HAVE HOMOEROTIC TENSION (i.e. John Tuturro & Shia LePoops' college friend)

8. GI Joe manages to make its leading-lady-I-don't-like-in-anything somewhat likable. (Not the case in TF2.)

9. GI Joe has Channing Tatum's abs

10. GI Joe looks like it was FUN to be a part of. Dennis Quaid, Joseph Gorden Levitt, Sienna Miller, etc. hamming it up & having a great time

11. Remember how I said GI Joe has NINJAS? One of them is Ray Park.

12. Speaking of which, GI Joe has ACTUAL fight sequences, like, where people actually fight. I know! Crazy!

13. Even though you can see every plot twist coming a mile away, GI Joe HAS PLOT TWISTS. Not only that, but PLOT TWISTS THAT MAKE SENSE.

14. GI Joe doesn't have 87 "pieces of the all spark" whatever bullshit, when there is only supposed to be one, which all do the same thing, but don't, and one is randomly called the Matrix of Leadership. I HATE TRANSFORMERS 2.

15. GI Joe has suits that make you run really fast and jump really high and be really cool

16. GI Joe has Dennis Quaid saying "Knowing is half the battle"

17. GI Joe doesn't have ROBOT FUCKING HEAVEN

18. GI Joe features a random cameo by Brendan Frasier that made no sense, but was awesome anyway

19. GI Joe has two Losties, two The Mummy cast members (Frasier not included), that creepy ass Scottish dude and JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

20. GI Joe has a badass hand to hand combat scene legit between a couple of 12 year old boys

21. GI Joe has this awesome plot device where whenever the characters need to figure something out, they miraculously just think of it, randomly, and it happens to be correct. I prefer this to TF2's method of needlessly adding an hour and a half to the movie, forcing the characters to run around the world trying to figure shit out the long way, shit that doesn't even actually make sense anyway AUGHHH IM SO ANGRY, MUST THINK OF GI JOE AND BE HAPPY AGAIN

22. GI Joe features two actual strong women! Who fight! And are awesome! Not one sole female character who happens to be an eternally naked damsel in distress! (Robot chick doesn't count. HELL no.)

23. GI Joe has a love story that isn't offensively underdeveloped & that you actually kind of root for (I'm referring to Anna & Duke, not Rip & Scarlett, though despite Rip & Scarlett's lack of chemistry, I still buy them WAY more than LePoop & Poop)

24. GI Joe sets up a sequel that gets you excited, not makes you wanna kill yourself

25. GI Joe is under two hours long

26. GI Joe is delightfully fun and a great time at the movies

26. GI Joe doesn't suck my left nut*

*I'm a girl and thusly don't have nuts, but that's simply the only way to say what I wanted to say. I hate you, Transformers 2 See full post