Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I Vote Serena Has Always Been A Prostitute: Da7e and Muse Correct Gossip Girl

Da7e and Muse here, your two and sole sources for New York University accuracy on what has proven itself to be a very inaccurate NYU show.

You might have noticed that last week there was a late post rather than a post on the episode actually broadcast on October 26th. That episode was called “How To Succeed In Business” and would have made much better fodder for a blog post talking about the realities of the PR industry than one focused on NYU action.

We got to see an Endless Knights DVD 3-Pack last week as Serena fell ass-backwards into dating Olivia’s fake celebrity boyfriend. Also Chuck and Blair sidestepped a fake liquor license revenge plot and spun it into PR gold for Chuck’s hotel. There were only two blatant NYU offenses in last week’s episode:
  1. Blair had many more people signed into her dorm room than possible, which we keep bringing up. 3 Guest Max, end of story.
  2. When Dan Humprey was finally ready to hump Hilary Duff’s Olivia, there were candles everywhere. While this is a great “our first time copulating as a couple” cliché, open flames are NOT ALLOWED in NYU’s dorm rooms. Da7e smoked a lot in his dorm, but he wasn’t supposed to do that either. And no one is going to bust in on the movie-star’s dorm room because they smelled some scented candles.
This week’s episode has some minor NYU offenses, but is still light on a lot of the repeat questions we keep asking: What schools within NYU do our Gossips actually attend? Do any of them use the meal plan? What about the RAs hanging around the dorms NOT enforcing all these rules? Perhaps most of all: IS ANYONE GOING TO GO TO CLASS? EVER?

Good news for those forward-thinking individuals who realize we’re entering November Sweeps: next week’s episode will probably be an NYU dud when: “Jenny sets her sights on becoming the Queen of all the Upper East Side by landing the hottest escort for Cotillion.” After that, though, it looks like we’ll have an NYU-xtravaganza with the following episode, titled “The Last Days Of Disco Stick.”

Yes, the Lady GaGa cameo is only two weeks away. Lady GaGa is an NYU grad AND it looks like our B plot will focus on Dan and Vanessa writing and directing a play.

God, we’re salivating just thinking of the snark we’re going to blow all over that episode.

But, they’re still two weeks to go. Let’s march in that general direction!

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Season 3, Episode 8: “The Grandfather: Part II”
Aired: 11/02/09
We Went To NYU: 2003-2007

On Gossip Girl:

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The opening montage shows Dan spooning a shirted Olivia in her dorm-room-o-sex-smells.

At NYU:

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For a show that is teasing a threesome as the must-see event for next week’s episode, it took Gossip Girl long enough to get to the beast with two backs where Dan and Olivia are concerned.

Last week, we saw Olivia getting free condoms from the school’s Sexual Health cookie jar, which is true: NYU does distribute condoms to its students. However, something that’s changed since our days in the dorms are the official NYC Condoms (Slogan: GET SOME!), which are free most everywhere (Da7e’s favorite pick up is in the Four-Faced Liar, a bar on the north side of West 4th past 6th Ave).

We can also glimpse the offending candles in the background, but it’s not enough to distract from the odd fact that Olivia looks to have fallen asleep fully clothed while Dan decided to spoon her while naked. Awkward.

Da7e: You can’t blame Hilary Duff for realizing she wasn’t blessed with attractively-shaped arms, but I can blame Dan Humphrey for f*ckig in Olivia’s dorm room when all evidence points to him inheriting the Humphrey Family Brooklyn Loft. There you’re allowed to light candles and you don’t have a whole bunch of starf*cker wannabes listening through a NYU Dorm’s thin walls.

Muse: Oh god, she's wearing a shirt because the show realized her arms aren't taught enough?! That's upsetting. My arms aren't as taught as I'd like them to be, but waking up shirtless and showing off your assets in the morning is one of the beautiful parts of hooking up! Olivia should feel comfortable enough with Dan to have her shirt off. Apparently they are already past "Wake up first and brush my teeth while the other is still sleeping" mode, so "wake up and put my shirt on so Dan doesn't see my arm fat" is simply unacceptable.

On Gossip Girl:

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Dan yawns: “How long have you been awake?” And muses: “Vanessa’s been completely MIA since she started shooting that documentary.”

At NYU:

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Where’s Vanessa sleeping? If we hadn’t just seen Tripp’s campaign moving into the Empire, we’d say she stayed with the campaign. But that doesn’t make any sense. That got us looking for a sock on the doorknob, which you still do when you’re boning in your dorm room (even Georgina knows that).

Da7e: “How long have you been awake?” I’d just wake up and my bed mate would be gone. I’d run into them in the dining hall having breakfast in sweatpants and we’d pretend nothing happened because it was Freshman Year. But that didn’t change the fact that being the big spoon means you’re inhaling hair all night, but you put up with it because it’s college and your getting laid, goddammit. If I only knew then what I knew now, I’d take the mild humiliation that comes with being the tiny spoon.

Muse: I only know what it means to be the big spoon, and that's the way I like it. Also, if I were Vanessa, I'd probably set up shop ANYWHERE other than my dorm if my best friend and roommate were gonna be boning 24/7. As much as I loved my roommate, I hated hearing her (or anyone for that matter) hook up with people. ::shudder::
The rest after the jump!

On Gossip Girl:

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Dan takes his toothbrush, runs into a black day-player who calls him Bathroom Boy.

At NYU:

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We have our own bathrooms at NYU, that’s why our housing costs so much and most of our dorms are converted hotels and/or apartments. Let’s take the very specific example of “Ehrlich Hall” the re-named Gossip Girl stand in for Rubin Residence Hall:
The Samuel Rubin International Residence Hall was formerly the Grosvenor Hotel. The structure was built in 1925 and was the home of Willa Cather from 1927 to 1932. Acquired by the University in 1964 for use as a student residence hall, it was named to honor Samuel Rubin, businessman and member of the New York University Medical Center Board.
See? Willa Cather lived there. Can you picture Willa Cather having large, centralized bathrooms on her floor of the building? How about asking guests at the Grosvenor to please share the bathrooms and tip the ethnic attendants?

Not happening. NYU Dorms have AT LEAST one bathroom per dorm.

Also, neither Dan nor one-line-black-kid are wearing shoes. We may not forgive crocs or thong sandals when worn outdoors, but those types of footwear were INVENTED for group bathrooms.

Da7e: Want to know how spoiled I was Sophomore Year at NYU? I lived in Greenwich Hotel, a former hotel that still had maid service. Yup. We had a woman who would clean our bathroom and common rooms on a weekly basis. I left her chocolates whenever possible because we had some illegal shit going down. Not to mention the one time we covered the bathroom floor in hair (only 5% pubes).

Muse: Again, Gossip Girl, I'll forgive most of your innaccuracies, but pretending we have communal bathrooms is not one of them. 45,000 a year = private bathrooms. The end.

On Gossip Girl:

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Nate says: “It’s a step up from Columbia dorms.” Chuck: “Most penthouses are, Nathaniel”

At NYU:

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Up yours, Columbia! And your stupid dorms.

NYU Dorms, having been hotels, actually have Penthouses, but we don’t let students live there. Notably, Brittany Residence Hall has the Penthouse Study Lounge: equipped with comfy chairs and couches for study groups, desks for individual study, and wireless Internet; piano and dance rooms; and a darkroom for photography enthusiasts. Not enough Penthousing? Hayden Hall has an 18th floor Penthouse where the former University president lives. Lafayette Street Residence Hall has a whole Penthouse floor where they house NYU’s small Greek Life population.

On Gossip Girl:

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Serena shows up at Olivia’s dorm room…early.

At NYU:

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Okay, it’s a tad hilarious that Serena is already painted like the whore she is going to be compared to for the rest of the episode while Dan has –apparently – been brushing his teeth for 30 minutes.

Because we don’t want to keep harping on the guest sign-in policy, we can assume that Serena has special permission as Olivia’s publicist’s assistant. It’s a freebie, but how many times are we going to recognize the failure of show to recognize this NYU bureaucracy?

On Gossip Girl:

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Blair enters her dorm to find Serena.

At NYU:

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Bikes in the hallways? Not only are they not locked, which means they are essentially community property, but there is no way any dorm would let you stash your wheels in public space. If you want a bike, you hang your own hooks on your ceiling and store that shit in your room

On Gossip Girl:

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Blair bemoans at The Bleeker: "Washington Square Park, Bobst Library, Bar None, I even tried spinning the cube in St. Marks Place, but not a friend in sight! I just felt it wouldn't be this hard at Yale."

At NYU:

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Washington Square Park? At the center of campus and filled with students. Check.

Bobst Library? Actually our library, though the suicides seem to have started again, so it’s probably not the social hub Blair thinks it might be.

Bar None? This location on 3rd Ave and 12th St is right down the street from NYU’s Third North Dorm. However, they are aware of their proximity to students and their reputation as an NYU bar is often combated by their strange, Bar Many policy. But, that’s just weekends (and we already know Blair Waldorf does not go out to bars or clubs on weekends to avoid the Bridge & Tunnel townies). NYU students still are frequently not carded at Bar None. Right Yelp?
So oddly enough....the ONLY reason we ventured down to the NYU area and stumbled into Bar None...is because we had a couple youngins with us that had yet to turn 21.

We thought of Bar None as the perfect place to go (totally outdated info, but I'm not at the age to have to worry about this anymore!) is because back in '04 when I was still under age...this was the very first bar I got into in NY, on my very first trip to the city. Does it hold sentimental value to me you ask? Nooot reallly....and the second time around being sober enough to look around me and take in the bar for what it really is...it's not going to be my fav Saturday night hangout or anything. In fact...I doubt I'll ever be back. I mean it's basically 18+, under the table.

But, nonetheless...we got the girls in with no problems at all, and had a pretty good time. There was A LOT of dancing, making out in the corner of the booth (oooohh yeahhhh.......really, it wasn't me) and had a lot of rooms to move around in. The back and front rooms have different types of music going on at the same time. So you can bounce back n' forth depending on your mood.

Great place to take you little sister or brother ;)

And yes they do check for IDs. Just maybe not that closely? I believe back in '04 I was Sara Joiner from California, lamination peeling off. Classy.
Oh, the Astor Place cube! It’s called The Alamo and it’s a rotate-able piece of art. It’s close to St. Marks Place, so we forgive Blair’s mistake, but anyone who doesn’t know this cube is in ASTOR PLACE doesn’t really hang out around the NYU Campus area of the Village. “Meet me at the cube!”

Da7e: Who would meet people by spinning the cube? Most of the time I’m there, it’s populated by homeless people hogging the shade and begging for change.

Muse: I never spun the cube. Whenever I saw someone spinning it, I thought to myself "tourist?" or "high schooler?" Why don't you try out Think Coffee or Four Faced Liar, Blair? Or...oh I don't know...CLASS, where I made most of my friends.

Final Thoughts On "The Grandfather: Part II"

Da7e: There was a lot of NYU up front, but it was abandoned for a political plot and the slow realization that Serena is –and always will be – a whore. Not a prostiture per se, but a whore. I can’t say I dug this episode because it featured plots of my two least-favorite Gossips: Serena and Nate. They both seem to be turning evil, which I’m fine with. I just want more scheming that doesn’t have to do with keeping Dan away from the internet.

Muse: I like the look in Nate's face when he is evil. His "I'm bad now" face is way sexier than his "I'm Nate and I'm a nice guy!" face. Plus, now we know Chase Crawford can make a whole two faces!!! Amazing!

Da7e: And who does back-to-back appearances on Jimmy Fallon almost a month after her horrible-looking “Fluer” movie came out? Two days in a row? And did Olivia really play Scrabble with Rufus and Lily, get left by Dan at Dan’s parent’s penthouse (awkward), then run off to film a second Fallon appearance? God, that makes no sense.

Muse: Not to mention, they were all wearing "I Voted" stickers in that scene. For the past three years at least in NYC, I've gone to every polling place I could find with my absentee receipt and tried to find one of those god damn stickers. No one ever had them and one place actually told me she'd never seen them before. They are easy to get in Los Angeles, but Gossip Girl takes place in New York City so...color me confused.

3 comments:

Garrett said...

Lady Gaga née Stefani Germanotta never graduated from NYU. She was a freshman at CAP21 our sophomore year (this was back when she was a little less Madonna and a little more Vanessa Carlton) but then she dropped out to pursue becoming a wildly successful performing artist.

You know, like Jessica Alba did with acting.

LoquaciousMuse said...

I have this amazing footage of her performing at Ultra Violet 2, where the judges say "Watch out Norah Jones!" after her medley.

Wow, she never graduated? I'm so fascinated with the whole, I have long brown hair and boobs and I play the piano and sing then I disappear for a while and reappear as Lady effing Gaga.

jens said...

WOWOWOWWWWW. you nailed it. and serena is a whore! a very obnoxious whore, that is.