Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Threesomes Are So 90s: Da7e and Muse Correct Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl picked up the slack last night with the much-hyped threesome between Dan, Olivia and Vanessa. Yeah, it was pretty great, even if it’s the tipping point that is going to cause Hilary Duff’s exit from the show. Threesome-tension is a great way to propel us into next week’s Lady Gaga guest-starring episode.

Jenny Humprey wasn’t the only Gossip who had a debut tonight. Sure, cotillion is happening for Little J, but it’s the dawn of a new age of Evil Eric that had us excited. What didn’t have anyone excited is Serena’s continued insistence that she has no control over her slutty ways.

Muse: .... I get excited over Serena's continued insistence that she has no control over her slutty ways...when it involves Trip. Nomnomnom.

Are there 15 things we all must do at NYU and have Muse and Da7e conquered said list? Well, at least not together we haven’t. Though, it is kind of weird that having sex with someone you never want to see again is on the same list as “have a threesome.” Wouldn’t it be easier to kill two birds with one stone on that one? Grudge f*ck!

Let’s check themselves lest they wreck themselves.

Season 3, Episode 9:
They Shoot Humphreys, Don't They?
Aired: 11/09/09
We Went To NYU: 2003-2007

On Gossip Girl:

We’re at The Bleeker (still a fake Think! Coffee replacement) where soon-to-be-sexual-partners Vanessa, Olivia and Dan are “cramming” for their midterms when the Nerd Squad comes over to spread the news of Endless Knights IV.


We don’t know where this coffee shop is, the one where you can sit a few tables away from an international vampire movie star and only notice her when it looks like both your table and hers have been studying for a good 20 minutes at least. The Harry Knowles press release is, sadly, pretty close to truth (though who gets the Twilight scoops these days? Not Aint It Cool.), but the sheer coincidence that two of the geeks wore their Olivia-themed t-shirts just made us groan a little bit.

Realistically, there’s very little chance this is going to take place in a coffee shop. We’ve seen how horrible KC is at being Olivia’s Publicist, but there should be a manager or an agent or a concerned friend amongst the crew she later describes as her “family” that would realize something like Endless Knights IV is the sort of thing you pull your starlet out of classes for. Assuming Endless Knights is somewhere as popular as Twilight, which it might not be because Olivia is in school at all. You don’t see Kristin Stewart attending Brown.

Da7e: Who has that boring-ass Fleur t-shirt? That’s so sparsely designed, I’m guessing it’s a knockoff or a press giveaway. We’ll never know because, despite being less than a month out of the release of Fleur, Olivia hasn’t been leaving school to do press for it.

Muse: Geeks aren't the type of people who wear shirts specifically worshipping all of one actress' films. Let's say some geek guys are, well, geeky enough to constantly wear a Twilight shirt. Would those same guys also spend their days wearing In The Land of Women apparal? I mean there's geek and then there's creepy-as-hell-what's-wrong-with-you. If these guys are supposed to fall into the latter category, then I cease to complain. But I expect a hot Battlestar loving chick to appear on the show soon to give NYU geeks a good name, Gossip Girl.

The rest after the jump!

On Gossip Girl:

While Olivia is talking to her parents/manager/3-of-her-agents, Dan and Vanessa plan to complete as much of the 15 Things Every College Student Must Do Before Graduating that is printed in their stupid, fake school newspaper.


Best to take this list one at a time, as they come, because we’re not sure if we got all 15 listed for us in the episode. Can we just start out by saying a few things? Like: this is a really stupid idea for a list to print in the paper, yet it totally sounds like a Freshman Year journalism assignment? Ok.

1. Cheer Yourself Hoarse At A Sporting Event

That’s kind of hard at NYU since we don’t have a lot of cheer-able sports. Look at these lists of Men and Women’s varsity sports:

Yeah, there’s basketball. But if I want basketball and I live in New York, there’s this team called The Knicks and they play professionally. You know, instead of watching Stern Business students with fitness fetishes attempt to play at the same level as athletes who gave up their dream of professional sports in exchange for a NYU BFA.

Da7e: I remember doing more cheering at the annual secret concert, where an up-and-coming indie group would play at the gym. I don’t think I saw a single NYU sporting event, though I did participate in intermural softball, albeit drunkenly.

Muse: There's no way in hell that's on an NYU-centric 15 Things to do in College list. I can't name a single person I know whose been to an NYU sporting event. Not one. Lies, Gossip Girl. Lies.

2. Get Sick After A Beer Pong Tournament At Bar None

This is the second time Gossip Girl has mentioned Bar None. They did last week as well. Bar None is still located on 3rd Ave a few blocks south of 14th street, and – yes – they still have beer pong. But any list of things Dan and Vanessa hope to accomplish in ONE DAY should not include “Get Sick.” Just Puke And Rally!

Da7e: I spent my high school experience in Colorado playing beer pong. Yeah, I miss it occasionally, but this game is best with space, NOT in the back of Bar None. Different strokes though, I’m not hating.

Muse: I discovered Beer Pong and played it whenever possible at NYU, but not at Bar None. I didn't even know they had Beer Pong, because I've been there, ohhh, once. Senior year. Because I knew it as "the loud crazy drinking place for people who wanted to go to a party school not NYU" and I prefered the "low key, cheap drinks, only your friends are there, we're kind of artists" experience of Four Faced Liar. Where's FFL on your damn list, fake newspaper?!?! That's way more up Dan & Vanessa's alley.

3. Have Sex With Someone You Don’t Want To See Again

Once again, knowing what we know about the pending threesome on the end of this list, it seems odd to have 2 sex-themed items. That being said, having sex with someone you never want to see again is probably more of a college experience than a threesome, right?

Da7e: I usually was that someone they didn’t want to see again. I told the story of the crying girl in a previous post right? Yeah. Well, she didn’t want to see me again and I didn’t mind not seeing her. We did eventually see each other, but it wasn’t until 3 years later. It wasn’t until we were shaking hands that we both looked into each other’s eyes and remembered that we had slept together early-on Freshman Year. Then she said, really loud and attracting the attention of my surrounding friends: “You’re the guy who slept with me Freshman Year!” I didn’t like how I had somehow slept with her instead of it being a mutual experience, but I was too mortified to protest.

Muse: Who is that girl?! Oh curiosity! I never slept with anyone I didn't wanna see again, cause I grasped onto my virginity with every fiber of my being until the summer after Junior year...it was a point of pride for a while, not gonna lie...but I certainly made out with said embarrassments. More or less everyone I made out with only once in college I would elect to never see again. ::Shudder::. So. Does that count?

4. Falafel at Mamouns

Ok. I guess we’re dealing with a NYU-specific list. Mamoun’s Falafel has two locations on campus, one on McDougal Street, right off Washington Square Park and one on St. Marks Place between 3rd Ave and 2nd Ave. They are really just cheap falafel and have been facing stiff competition from places like Chickpea early this millennium. That said, Mamoun’s is one of the 1001 Places To See Before You Die, that book that makes less sense to us now that we know it includes the dingy-but-tasty falafel joint.

Da7e: Yeah, I’ve had this shiz. It’s good. And cheap (more importantly).

Muse: Never had it. Not a Falafel fan. But the Shwarma at Yatagan is to die for.

5. Frat Party at Coral

BUZZZZZZ! Thanks for playing – and the accurate dormitory shout out – but, this particular item makes no sense. Coral Towers is the NYU Dorm located above the Duane Reade on 14th St and 3rd Ave. The only problem is that Coral Towers doesn’t host any Greek Life, and therefore no Frat Parties. Lafayette Hall holds all the Greek Life as evidenced by its website:
Lafayette is home to the Fraternity and Sorority Life Communities, housing 11 Fraternities and Sororities on the upper floors of the building.
Da7e: The first and only Frat Party I attended at NYU was a Tri-Delta affair during my visit before I had enrolled in the University. My student host ended up bringing a girl back to his room with us. I slept on the floor. They slept on the bed. I remember thinking “I’d love to go to this school,” though describing it now, I’m not sure why.

Muse: The only time I ever went to Coral was to shoot a scene from a webseries a year and a half after I graduated from NYU. Though I did attempt to go to a sorority party at Lafayette once! After we arrived we discovered it had been canceled, but we didn't get the memo. Bullshit. Also. Why exactly would "Go to a frat party" be on an NYU list? When only 10% of the population is in a frat? "Go to a Motherfucker party" would be a more accurate debauchery suggestion and I don't even know many people who did that.

On Gossip Girl:




There’s beer pong and a keg in some dorm room that looks vaguely like Vanessa and Olivia’s, but we know it must be in Coral Towers and must be a frat party if the Dynamic Trio are still working through their list.

First off, getting a keg in Coral Towers is near impossible. The sign-in/entrance area is not big enough to cause a distraction so as to sneak in a whole keg. We’re not 100% on the NYU alcohol in dorms policy, since those who are over 21 are certainly allowed to pack some booze, but a keg? Any keg in a dorm is a stretch of the imagination.

Beer Pong/Beruit does go down because NYU dorms are supplied with a wide variety of boring-colored tables that can be assembled into a Beer Pong surface and Beer Bongs, well, those are winners everywhere.

Also, not to harp on this more than we should, but a Dorm Party with this many people goes down one of two ways: 1) Clear with the housing staff that you will be having a get together and submit a list of guests to the front desk. These approved guests will be allowed to attend without signing them in, or 2) Have people in the dorms sign in strangers to attend the party, everyone with a 3 guest max.

Option 2 is fine, unless your stranger isn’t an NYU student, because then you have to sign them out. That means you better keep an eye on your guest-for-a-night and make sure s/he doesn’t end up puking up a storm in the bathroom.

Da7e: In every dorm room I lived in, my roommates and myself allowed people to smoke anything in our rooms, which made us pretty constant party hosts. Add to mixture the “our door is never locked” policy and I’d wake up in the middle of the night to a party no one threw. Great college experience, horrible for studying.

Muse: I used doors for Beer Pong so many times. One door I never figured out how to get back on its hinges so I just left it sitting next to the closet it once enclosed. Sorry, NYU.

On Gossip Girl:

Olivia says: “This is even more amazing than dancing in the fountain.” Meanwhile, the CW really wants you to buy Leighton Meester's horrible single.



6. Dancing in the fountain.

This refers to the fountain in the middle of Washington Square Park, the central outdoor space for NYU’s campus. Sometimes there’s water in there, and – yeah – it’s easy to dance in it.

Da7e: I’ve never done this. Does that mean I didn’t really graduate? Or did I just have a lesser experience?

Muse: I put my feet in it! Once!

On Gossip Girl:

At the dorm party, Olivia and Vanessa start tossing sexual tension back and forth at each other.


Nothing here, really. We just wanted to spotlight the girl who has obviously taken off her bright-green panties in the background. Nice. Par-tay!

On Gossip Girl:


Vanessa and Dan admit to Olivia that they have no creativity and have been “plucking” the Ultimate College Experience from the school newspaper. Dan says they did the “Beer Boggle” and “Fountain Yoga.” Olivia says they should do their last task “right now” because it couldn’t be worse than “the bathroom at Fat Black Pussycat’s.” Then, she see’s what #11 is.


Beer Boggle? Fountain Yoga? Fat Black Pussycat's?

Only one exists and it's Fat Black Pussycat, though their bathroom isn't any more horrible than any NYC club bathroom.

Muse: I've been to Fat Black Pussycat...a couple months ago for a Bachelorette Party, never in college, and the bathroom was completely normal. So normal in fact, there was a god damn bathroom attendant. Am I missing something?

From the freeze frame, we can kind of see that one of the list items we haven’t heard has something to do with the “Subway Station” and the blurb includes (…possibly lucrative). We’re going to say that is some sort of performance/begging on the subway and has nothing to do with the college experience. As a matter of fact, nothing stereotypically “college” is also possibly lucrative. That’s why school is all about wasting money while you still can.

Our Guess: 7. Play Music In A Subway Station

Da7e: I’ve totally had an improv session with a homeless man when I used to carry around a couple harmonicas. It was sweet.

Muse: My friend Ashley, currently in the Peace Corps, used to play guitar in subway stations all the time. She's also way cooler than anyone on Gossip Girl could ever hope to be.

Also from the freeze frame we can see one item ends with “-ing NYU Gear.” From the blurb we can pull: “…on the 1/9 uptown and…be ultra confused when…Ivy Leaguers.” Sadly, the 9 train has been dead-as-a-doornail for about 2 years. But Columbia is up the 1/9.

Our Guess: 8. Visit Columbia Campus Wearing NYU Gear

Da7e: Sadly, I’ve done this. I wore my NYU hoodie to a Wyclef Jean concert in the Columbia Quad. Luckily everyone (including myself and Wyclef) was too stoned to make a big deal out of it.

Muse: I was at that concert! I was going there to visit David and thought "what the hell is this concert?" Turned out it was Wyclef Jean.

And, of course, the big one:

11. Have a threesome.

Da7e: No. I’ve actually been actively avoiding a threesome. I have enough neuroses to make a single-woman sexual experience nearly disastrous every time, why would I want to add in another X-factor there? Although I guess what Gossip Girl is telling me is that I missed my chance and now I live outside of college in a world without threesomes.
Muse: I missed it to too. Oh well. That's what marriages are for, right? Wait, that's not how marriage works? Not a constant cycle of varying third parties? Damnit. So much for that.

Final Thoughts On: “They Shoot Humpreys Don’t They?”

Da7e: Overall, I dug this episode for the Blair/Eric team, though I did spend a fraction of the running time yelling at my screen, trying to get through to Serena. Seriously, can that girl turn off the slut, ever? At least Nate has realized that we’ve always hated his storylines and only pops up when he’s needed as a physical presence and little else.

Muse: I love Serena and Trip. Scandal scandal! Stupid stupid! Hot hot! I'm such a girl. You have permission to kick me in the knees. Except please don't.

Da7e: Interesting observation by one of my friends I was watching with: Concerning the scene where Blair walks in on Chuck and Nate’s “Lost Weekend.” There’s a African-American stripper/whore asleep on the couch and a Caucasian one walking around in Blair’s corset. When Blair exits, she says: “You might want to ring housekeeping. Chocolate leaves a stain.” My friend replied: “Did Blair just refer to that black girl like, ‘chocolate leaves a stain on your dick?’” We had to point out the chocolate truffles on the table beside Chuck in earlier shots, proving him wrong. However, I do like the notion that Blair would sneak some racism into the conversation when discussing Nate’s whores.

Muse: I was slightly distracted during that scene and totally missed the explanation as to who those women were. For a while I thought the African-American woman on the couch was a blow up doll they refused to acknowledge.

Da7e: Have you done the few items on Gossip Girl's list? Do you have your own "must do" tasks in the city or at your college? Leave what you want in the comments. We read that shit.


Jackie Sanders said...

and what about the bachelorette party??? eh????

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