Friday, August 7, 2009
Okay, so, first of all, yes, duh, EVERYTHING is better than Transformers 2. We know this. But there are some very silly people out there who seem to have it in their minds that TF2 is a better film than its Hasbro pal, GI Joe. This...is simply not the case. And I am here to tell you why.
1. GI Joe has a plot
2. GI Joe has characters
3. GI Joe's action is pretty badass & enjoyable to watch
4. GI Joe trades Shia LePoop for Joseph Gordon Levitt (totally different roles, but JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT IS IN THIS MOVIE)
5. GI Joe trades talking robots for NINJAS
6. GI Joe trades racist robots for AWESOME NANOTBOTS THAT EAT THE WORLD
7. GI Joe doesn't have bizarre homoerotic tension between characters who should NEVER HAVE HOMOEROTIC TENSION (i.e. John Tuturro & Shia LePoops' college friend)
8. GI Joe manages to make its leading-lady-I-don't-like-in-anything somewhat likable. (Not the case in TF2.)
9. GI Joe has Channing Tatum's abs
10. GI Joe looks like it was FUN to be a part of. Dennis Quaid, Joseph Gorden Levitt, Sienna Miller, etc. hamming it up & having a great time
11. Remember how I said GI Joe has NINJAS? One of them is Ray Park.
12. Speaking of which, GI Joe has ACTUAL fight sequences, like, where people actually fight. I know! Crazy!
13. Even though you can see every plot twist coming a mile away, GI Joe HAS PLOT TWISTS. Not only that, but PLOT TWISTS THAT MAKE SENSE.
14. GI Joe doesn't have 87 "pieces of the all spark" whatever bullshit, when there is only supposed to be one, which all do the same thing, but don't, and one is randomly called the Matrix of Leadership. I HATE TRANSFORMERS 2.
15. GI Joe has suits that make you run really fast and jump really high and be really cool
16. GI Joe has Dennis Quaid saying "Knowing is half the battle"
17. GI Joe doesn't have ROBOT FUCKING HEAVEN
18. GI Joe features a random cameo by Brendan Frasier that made no sense, but was awesome anyway
19. GI Joe has two Losties, two The Mummy cast members (Frasier not included), that creepy ass Scottish dude and JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
20. GI Joe has a badass hand to hand combat scene legit between a couple of 12 year old boys
21. GI Joe has this awesome plot device where whenever the characters need to figure something out, they miraculously just think of it, randomly, and it happens to be correct. I prefer this to TF2's method of needlessly adding an hour and a half to the movie, forcing the characters to run around the world trying to figure shit out the long way, shit that doesn't even actually make sense anyway AUGHHH IM SO ANGRY, MUST THINK OF GI JOE AND BE HAPPY AGAIN
22. GI Joe features two actual strong women! Who fight! And are awesome! Not one sole female character who happens to be an eternally naked damsel in distress! (Robot chick doesn't count. HELL no.)
23. GI Joe has a love story that isn't offensively underdeveloped & that you actually kind of root for (I'm referring to Anna & Duke, not Rip & Scarlett, though despite Rip & Scarlett's lack of chemistry, I still buy them WAY more than LePoop & Poop)
24. GI Joe sets up a sequel that gets you excited, not makes you wanna kill yourself
25. GI Joe is under two hours long
26. GI Joe is delightfully fun and a great time at the movies
26. GI Joe doesn't suck my left nut*
*I'm a girl and thusly don't have nuts, but that's simply the only way to say what I wanted to say. I hate you, Transformers 2