Previously on 90210
Crap crap blah blah pregnant sleepy teacher, Annie & Liam totally lurv each other, Jasper looking sad (good, that's important, thanks recap...), rape! Naomi's starring in the live action version of the girl who cried wolf. Finally! That's never been done before.
That "previously" section made me upset. This show sucks. But - we must carry on! So carry on we will. 90210 Season 3 recaps begin in 5...4...3...2...
Damn. Dixon's still on this show. And has stupid hair. ---------------->
Annie has new hair too, but it's pretty. She wins this round. Though if Dixon is always her competition, she will win all the rounds.
Makes no sense that their parents split up, sorry, not buying it.
What is Dixon wearing? And why? WHY.
Teddy and Silver are still together cause he doesn't know he's gay yet. Aw. Poor Silver.
It seems so obvious now
They're all friends again! Lookit! Good times! Happiness! Friends!
But Naomi is still freaking out. And turning 18 in one week. Something tells me this will be important.
Dixon and Ivy are still dating, auughhhhhhhhhh whyyyyyyy his hair is so stupid, it's like a joke, an actual joke
YES! Ivy met a Brit. Do that instead.
Is this guy really British? But he's so unappealing! How do they manage to even screw up the Brits! Brits are supposed to ALWAYS be hot!
Looked it up. The actor is American. Explains everything.
The rest after the jump
Javier and Adrianna have totally been doing it.
Oh, ok, apparently she hasn't even made out with him once in three months? Yeah. Oookay, that's totally believable. Yup.
Liam! Hating Annie?
Naomi lied to everyone about her summer cause she's sad.
RAPIST ALERT ---------------------------->
The room is shaking. Is this a dream? Is someone dreaming? Oh. No. It's real, it's an earthquake.
Wait, Teddy becomes gay because a bookshelf falls on him?
90210 Guide To Realizing You're Gay. Step 1: Get caught under a bookcase during an Earthquake
Naomi screams and freaks out and Rapey Teacher is Rapey.
Rapey Teacher got real evil real quick
There was always something off about Rapey Teacher, wasn't there?
Hot Sleepy Teacher woke up!!! But he's still a little sleepy. He's always at least a little sleepy.
British New Dude is trying REALLY hard to be suave and it hurts my whole body
Liam hates Annie cause, wait, why, she didn't get in touch with him all summer? I'm confused. So they haven't dated yet?
Annie didn't know that Jasper lit Liam's boat on fire? Wha?
<------- We observe that Silver's haircut gets worse and worse every year. Blech.
So Teddy has a hot male nurse when he is recuperating in the hospital? Is that what happens?
"Schoolscanceledpartyatmyhouse!" You did good, U-5er #actorterminology
British New Dude is actually the one who ended school, okay, yeah, seemed fishy, I just forgot he was a character and thus couldn't figure out who would have the balls to do that.
Hot Sleepy is Annie's senior advisor! Neat! MOAR SLEEPY HOT NESS!
He already wrote her a recommendation letter! Bone?!
I forgot there was just an earthquake. So did everyone else.
Liam does Annie a favor cause he DOES wanna bone her
I knew girls who wore ponchos in high school. I may have even dabbled myself.
Hippie or Wizard? You be the judge.
Javier is a DICK, you guys
Jetskiiing!! You know, like normal kids do when they ditch school cause of a massive Earthquake! Sure!
We all talk about what a bad character Dixon is. As morally ambiguous as they come. Or maybe just straight out evil. Just awful.
See, dumb Dixon, British New Dude has a girlfriend, chill out.
Silver's about to walk into a shitstorm what with the Teddy being gay.
Oh shit! Navid can't reach Adrianna cause she got in an accident, that's what happened, ahhhhhh, worst fear
Male nurse male nurse! It's happening! Look, Teddy's hurt! Male nurse!
90210 Guide To Realizing You're Gay. Step Two: That.
Rape counseling time. Totally missed everything that happened in this scene.
"I can't believe Javier's dead." I can't believe this show is so god awful.
This would be an international tragedy. It better be everywhere for the rest of the episode.
His book of hit songs! Do it! That's why they turned him into a dick at the last second out of nowhere, so we will hate him and think Aid should steal his songs. Got it.
Naomi is funny looking
Annie is cute! Uses the old "perfectionist" line when responding to the question "What is your weakness?" in an internship interview. Also, she killed a dude. I don't know if that's considered a weakness or anything.
"Guess you have to expect a few aftershocks after an earthquake" is what the interviewer says. Then Annie thinks about how this applies to her life OUT LOUD. Out loud. OUT. LOUD.
"I accidentally killed a man." She said that out loud too. Then acts all crazy and leaves.
Lemme guess - Annie gets the internship for being honest and open!
Interviewer's thoughts: "You're crazy! I like crazy." Cause that's the only way Annie's getting this job.
Liking Rufus Wainwright means you're sentimental, apparently. According to the Brit.
BritNuDood reminds Ivy of the time he gave her her first orgasm. He actually uses the words "First orgasm."
Wait. Did he just say that? Did he actually just say that?!
Finally kissing someone with an iota of sex appeal! Though still not very much...#MaleSexAppealFail
It was a dream! A dream! Nice one. Damn.
Let's all agree that Ivy put a lot more into that scene that she ever has with Dixon.
Laim's so cute. But what's that music playing? Ah! Why!
Trailer for Life As We Know It. Josh Duhamel and Katherine Heigl are the same kind of actor - both attractive and unattractive, at the same time, both might be movie stars, but also might not be, it's confusing.
Naomi is teaching us about rape or something. I don't know, I'm bored.
Annie didn't call Liam cause she knew she would totally make out with him. Yeah. I would make out with him too. Which is why I would call him. But, to each her own.
Liam doesn't wanna be friends, Annie, he wants to boooonnnneeee, duuuuhhh
Liam and Annie, to this day the only couple who has ever had chemistry on this show.
Why isn't anyone else talking about this?! An young international superstar just died in a freak accident! Like the Biebs! It would be EVERYWHERE.
I like Laurel. Adrianna should totally use Javier's songs, whatever javierjavierjavier
Teddy's gonna meet a male nurse! Yes! It's happeninggg.
…"now I can be gay!"
He's driving drunk with a torn ACL?! That takes a lot of determination. Wow.
Teddy ignored his doctor. Dumbass.
"Find something else you love." Yes. Men. That was a little obvious.
We all know that when you have too much spare time, you realize you're gay. It's scientific.
90210 Guide To Realizing You're Gay. Step Three: Drunk drive with a torn ACL to a random chick's party. Proceed to get moar drunk.
No, Ivy! You clearly are WAY more attracted to the other dude. Stop it. Stop it with Dixon already.
My mother is baffled by Ivy's wardrobe choices. Aren't we all.
Still not buying it. Will never buy it.
Where did Ivy put her cell phone? Where did Dixon put his hands?! No, they don't love each other. Dumb.
Dude No Longer Attracted to Naomi calls her "Katie Holmes after Tom Cruise", bwhaha. I don't mind that.
Naomi decides to have a three way cause that's her "old self!" Ol' Threeway Naomi! … Ooookay
We observe how Katie Holmes did lose her sex appeal. And Nicole Kidman never got it back. Don't marry Tom Cruise, you guys.
HOLY EXPOSITION! So Harry & Debbie are Separated. He lives 45 minutes away. Left a month ago. Check check check. God I need to find a clip of this to post. (See end of post)
"Aren't I supposed to be the one taking care of you guys?" Full House moment. It's nice to reference your old tv shows. Oh, not what they were going for?
"At least drink some milk" What?! Why?!?! Why would you ever tell your kid to make sure to drink milk after eating ice cream?! Is that a joke?! Are you trying to murder Dixon?! Well, actually, I'd be okay with that.
Annie is actually really charming for a solid 20 seconds.
"...and she just might be desperate enough to do it." Oooh good. Someone is tricking Annie. That's what she needs. Also glad to see the show still prides itself on its stellar dialogue and plot devices.
Limpy Teddy saves Naomi from herself. Yup. From herself. Said it.
The BritNuDood hits on Ivy like woahwoahwoah. Him > Dixon.
He's DOING Jack Sparrow. Not sexually.
The Britis sleeping with Ivy's mom?! What?! Why?! Is that who he has an open relationship with? Ah! Gross!
Naomi is too tiny. Tiny tiny tiny.
"Random physical act like tennis." LOW, Naomi. How will Teddy ever recover.
Why doesn't he want you, Naomi? Cause he's gaaaaaaaaaaaaay
90210 Guide To Realizing You're Gay. Step Five: You Save The
Hot Drunk Girl With Baggage Instead of Sleeping With Her...(says 90210. Not me.)
Yeah, this situation doesn't look good, Teddy..
Oh! I've liked this song this whole time and it's Adrianna! Neat.
"The best thing she's ever written." Burn. It's Javeirjavierjavier's, obviously. How long until THIS secret comes out. Siiigh.
Rapey's after Silver now. Watch out Silver.
Naomi's a mess. A hot mess, if you will. (Snap.)
Next Week: Adrian Grenier hits on a high schooler? Well, we know Naomi turns 18 this week, so maybe it'll be legal.
Hey Annie, how did you feel about the season premiere of 90210?
Me too, Annie. Me too.
Start around the 2:00 minute mark to experience Expositionpalooza 2010