The 2011 Golden Globes: What We Learned

crossposted from Film.com

It's that time of year again! In which we reflect on the grand & not at all frivolous evening that was the Golden Globes. What did we learn this year about the Oscar race, about Hollywood, about life, about Angelina Jolie's shockingly not-always-glossy lips? My very scientific analysis below:

The Social Network Officially Cannot Be Beat
I mean, yes, most of us figured it was a lock for the Oscar anyway, but after rumblings of possible Globes upsets from The Fighter or The King's Speech turned out to be rubbish, I don't think there's anything stopping the film at this point. Picture, writer, director are in the bag. So most likely editing as well. #oscarhistoryreference.

I'm beginning to hear insider discussion of another film in particular upsetting on the night (more on this when I do my annual interview with an Academy member), but a lot in the atmosphere would have to change in a month for this to be possibility. When every critics group picks the same movie, its subject is named Time's Person of the Year AND everyone says the Academy will be out of touch if they pick something else, it doesn't leave much room for members to vote with their hearts, does it? It would be nice one year if the Academy got to actually pick its favorites instead of being bullied into staying in line. For more on this topic, check out an article I wrote last season - Oscar & The Art of Influence. This year also happens to be the first time in a long while that I actually think the unstoppable force sweeping the Oscar pre-season DESERVES the win, but it feels tainted when the Academy doesn't really have a choice.

Ricky Gervais Will Not Be Hosting Next Year
The HFPA is reportedly very upset with the British comedian, because it turns out they're all still in elementary school, but some folks, like Badass Digests' Devin Faraci don't think he went far enough. Still if the "Golden Globes Boss" (is that an official title? really?) doesn't get the joke anytime soon, expect a safer choice to be announced for next year. Laaaame. I personally enjoy the RDJ coined "sinister" undertone of Gervais hosted evenings. It leads to a fun game called "Which Actors Are Self Aware and Which Actors Have Their Heads Up Their Asses?" (For those keeping score at home, Self Aware: Johnny Depp, Steve Carrell, Bruce Willis. Head up your ass: Tim Allen, the HFPA, Scientologists.)

There Are Five Kinds of Actors: Classy & elegant (Colin Firth, Annette Bening, Claire Danes) Charming & Hilarious (Tina Fey, Jane Lynch, Steve Bushemi), Slightly Insane (Melissa Leo, Tilda "Happy New Year" Swinton, Christian Bale), Mind-bogglingly Awkward (Robert De Niro, Natalie Portman, Andrew Garfield) and Get Off The Damn Stage (Jennifer Lopez, January Jones). Though Bale was actually in fine form last night. Perhaps fashioning himself as a knight on the outside brought out his inner chivalry and good nature.

Rango Opens Nationwide March 4th
I can never unlearn this


Hollywood is Still Too Afraid of Scientologists to Laugh at Scientology Jokes
One of the best (it's funny cause it's true!) jokes of the evening took a fun stab at the Church of Scientology. But due to the fact that there was a Scientologist at every other table, no one could really get away with laughing without fear of disappearing into the night. If Ricky Gervais suddenly vanishes this week - we all know why.

Andrew Garfield Will Be The Perfect Peter Parker
His flub would have looked embarrassing on anyone else. But Peter Parker makes awkward look GOOD ya'll.

Hailee Steinfeld Will Be STUNNING in 10 Years
That girl has a FACE. I don't care if she's only 14. You can tell. Especially seeing her tower over that small child girls her age are supposed to be lusting after, when she was presenting. Here's hoping she goes the way of Scarjo Napo & Anpaq and not the way of Dustin Diamond. #legitimatestatement

Best Actress Race Is Still Up In The Air 80/20 Natalie Portman/Annette Bening
For some reason there is a prevailing notion that the quality of one's speech at the Golden Globes will determine the Oscar outcome. A. that's dumb and B. that also might be true. But I've heard from the Portman Supporters that Bening was too stiff and from the Bening Supporters that Portman was too frenetic. We can't ALL be Chris Colfer, you guys. So. Back to square one. Yes, Natalie is young & pregnant & glowy, but Benning is legendary, has never won, lost twice to Hilary Swank of all people, and is married to 1962 Golden Globe winner for Most Promising Actor, Warren Beatty. Maybe, just maybe, the winner of this category will be based on whose performance the Academy members like best. What a notion. Long story short, I don't think Portman has it all tied up as some critics too. If Bening wins on the night, it will be seen as an upset, but at least there is still a POSSIBILITY of an upset, which can't really be said for Best Actor or Supporting Actor. 

For Supporting Actress, Melissa Leo is still the clear front-runner, but if we're going by the very precise method of measuring speeches, Leo's...all over the place-ness may have hurt her chances . Let's hope those "who gives the best speech" Academy members saw her delightful & classy speech at the Critics Choice Awards this weekend. This woman's been acting a LONG time. And is amazing. Give her an Oscar please.

The Cast Of Love Actually Rules
Wins for Laura Linney & Colin Firth and plenty of shots of Andrew Lincoln at the table for nominated drama The Walking Dead. When Colin Firth won, I definitely said "I hate uncle Jamie" out loud. Did anyone in the room understand why I would ever say something like that in that moment? No. Did I care? AbsoLUTELY not.

Lea Michele Doesn't Understand What Being A Human Being is
The amount of mugging Lea Michele was engaging in Sunday night was bridging on offensive. Sometimes you can feel something without mutating your face into multiple shapes and sizes. Life isn't musical theater. Well. Actually. I guess her life is about as close as it gets. But she stills needs learn how to be a person at some point.

Garrett Hedlund May Also Not Understand What Being A Human Being Is
But that's because he's a robot

If a Television Show is Shiny & New and/or Glee, It Will Win All The Gold
I love Boardwalk Empire, but Mad Men season four may go down in television history as one of the best seasons of television that ere was. Boardwalk Empire is a great new show that didn't pick up until halfway through its first season. But everyone in it talks funny and the lead is a movie star, so, ok, yeah, that makes sense.
Also, yes, Glee is definitely, hands down the best musical nominated for best TV Show, Musical or Comedy, but it is not the best comedy. Jane Lynch & Heather Morris are doing their best to hold down the fort, but Modern Family has not a single weak or lacking comedic performer in the entire bunch. Globes, when you tempt me with interesting, deserving choices like Katy Sagal & Chris Colfer, I forget that you're mostly worthless. But then you remind me, so it's okay.

Christian Bale worships Robert De Niro, Tilda Swinton is in awe of Al Pacino, Lori from the Walking Dead has a Melissa Leo fixation, Melissa Leo has a crush on Jeremy Irons and Natalie Portman loves Jeff Bridges.
Though who doesn't?

Mark Wahlberg is The King Of Hollywood
I don't like Mark Wahlberg so I don't really like this lesson, but he is inexplicably a producer on Boardwalk Empire and apparently Christian Bale & Melissa Leo would have been nothing in The Fighter without him. So. Bully for you, Mark Wahlberg.

Celebrities Are Friends With Other Celebrities!
This isn't, erm, a "lesson" per se, but it's an excuse to list the fun friendship sightings of the night: Jake Gylenhaal and Jason Segel  during E!s Red Carpet,, Emma Stone & Mila Kunis unwittingly creating the greatest gif in gif history, Katy Sagal  & Ed O Neil via reaction shot.

Robert Downey Jr & Emma Stone Have Good Chemistry
No? Just me?

Matt Damon Continues to be Smarter Than Just About Everyone Ever
His  De Niro intro was so clever, that it seemed to go over the heads of  most of the audience for about 85% of the speech. For some reason his  speech convinced ME that he must be the greatest husband evar. I have no  explanation for this.

Smart Girls Have More Fun...
...But you'll only get to go to the Golden Globes if you're beautiful. Thanks for mixed messages, everyone in the ballroom/Hollywood.

Another year, another slew of life altering lessons learned. And hey, even if this awards season turns out to be as boring & predictable as we're all suspecting, at least we know to look forward to some great speeches. I'll take all the giggly Natalie Portman, self-deprecating Colin Firth, bizarrely ecstatic Christian Bale and energetically sincere Melissa Leo I can get.