Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sam Witwicky's Dating Advice

Crossposted and commissioned by

Over three Transformers films now, Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) has been befriending noble robots, taking down evil robots, and openly defying the US government, logic and decency. But perhaps the most unbelievable aspect of the character is the notion that he exclusively dates supermodels. He is only attracted to the hottest women on the planet and they only have eyes for him. What's the secret? How exactly does Sam Witwicky get girls like this? Maybe his dating advice will clear some things up. Take it away, Sam.


When You First Meet Her, Act Like An Idiot
What? But how could this work? Trust me. The dorkier you seem on your meet-cute can only work in your favor. Breaking something valuable looking can only magnify the effect and is highly recommended. She will take pity on your failed attempt at being suave and spend a little time with you. This is your in! Use this time to implement some other tips on this list and she will be yours.

Tell Her You Saved The World A Couple Times
Throw in the fact that you are friends with robots and got a medal from the President, and she will be all over you. Yes, in my case it was true, but how was she supposed to know giant transforming robots are real? She believed it anyway and thought I was a hero, despite the fact that outside of the metal I got the day we met, I led a mostly sad, pointless existence.

Be A Mooching Deadbeat
It's very important when securing the perfect woman to be extremely down on yourself to the point of deadbeatdom. While jobless, make sure to move into her home, refuse to pay rent, and better yet, take it over for your own crazy, won't-make-you-any-money endeavors. Make sure to invite robot friends over, if you have them, so you can ensure that some nice things get broken. She needs to be reminded of your idiocy and from time to time so she feels too bad for you to leave you.

Be Extremely Jealous And Show It!
If there's one thing hot girls love, it's when you are being blindingly jealous. She has a cute boss? Yell at her about it! She is nice to her cute boss? Yell louder! If she responds sweetly that there is nothing to worry about and you are overreacting? You better freak out and punch your car a lot. Hopefully, it'll happen to turn out that the guy making eyes at her is evil and/or assisting the bad guys and she will think you have a heroic sixth sense and want you forever.

Pick Your Hobbies Over Her. At First.
Whether your hobbies are hiking or helping robots save the world, always pick them over her until you are done hiking/saving the world. It shows her you have a lot of passion for living and for your interests. Then when you "choose" her later on, it'll look like you are experiencing personal growth. Perfection.

Act Like A Dick To Both Her and Everyone Around You
Perhaps the most important tip of all. Make sure to take her for granted, complain constantly, get angry with her about anything and everything, but show her she isn't the only one you act like this towards. When you finally introduce her to your robot friends (again, if you are lucky enough to be in that position), make sure to be truly arrogant and condescending towards everyone you encounter along the way. Show her you mean business. She will see you in a place of universal power and be hooked.

Put Both Yourself And Her In Danger Whenever Possible
You know why they always go cliff diving and crap on The Bachelor, right? Experiencing a spike in adrenaline and endorphins while together, chemically brings you closer. So if you are ever going through a rough time, just go do something dangerous so she will worry (ESPECIALLY if she has lost family before because of risks they took) or involve her in something dangerous with you so you'll form an intense bond.

"Save Her Life"
Once you put her in a dangerous position, you MUST make sure to save her from it or at least look like you are saving her from it. Make her feel helpless, no matter how strong and capable she may be. Now is the time to turn pity into admiration, respect and dependence.

Don't Commit!
After you save her life and make her think you changed your ways for her, she will get a little excited and start getting ideas about a family and a future. When this starts to happen, IMMEDIATELY shoot it down. Stay cool. No need to lock it down yet, if at all. There are more hot supermodels who will want you where she came from.


Thanks Sam! Man. What would we do without Transformers' accurate portrayal of how to get a woman, beautiful on the inside and out, to fall in love with you? Great advice for kids everywhere.

Oh, by the way, completely unrelated to the way Sam Witwicky treats women and Transformers 3, I just stabbed my eyeballs out.

Note: I think the scariest part of all of this is that I heard a 19 year old describe a method like this almost to a tee as a way to get girls a couple months ago. Comforting stuff. Good to know the movies they see support their asinine theories, isn't it? Sigh.


Scott Mendelson said...

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who noticed this. Of course, the low-light of the first Transformers film was the bit where Sam finds out that Mikaela (who he knows nothing about other than her apparent hotness) has a juvie record and a car thief for a father, which causes him to flip out and tune her out. Don't worry, the situation resolves itself, when SHE apologizes to HIM!

Ted Moore said...

What a wonderful advice on how to ask a date on a woman.

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