Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Alliterative Actors Alphabet

Crossposted on Film.com

You know those times you start thinking about how most comic book characters have names like Bruce Banner, Peter Parker, Sue Storm and Matt Murdoch and then have thoughts like "If you have an alliterative name, does that mean you are more likely to become a superhero?" which leads to other thoughts like "My name is stupid" and "I'm gonna change my name" which eventually turns into "calm down, you don't want to be a supehero anyway, superheros are dumb, who wants to be them" and finally "I wonder which actors out there have alliterative names and are therefore primed and ready for superhero-dom, unlike me, but whatever, I don't care..."

I have really valuable chains of thought, you guys.

So upon compiling a massive list of famous people with alliterative names (which relates to sound, not letters, i.e. Clark Kent is alliteration. Keira Knightly is not), I decided there was only one thing to do. Write a poem naming one famous person with an alliterative name per letter of the alphabet.

Some of the references are obvious, some are not, some of these people are well known and some are...decidedly not. But if you don't understand something, I encourage you to head to google or ask away in the comment section.

Without further ado,

The Alliterative Actors Alphabet

Amy Adams soon reporting for the Daily Planet
Barry Bostwick to a hot chick once kept saying "Damnit Janet"

Colin Cunningham is definitely a Falling Skies fav
David Duchovny, every Sunday, we watch him get laid

Emilo Estevez is quacking til this day
Fionnula Flanagan, because she can, helps Desmond on his way

Greta Gerwig, delightfully awkward with Ben
Helen Hayes won praise as an EGOT back when

Irving Ishkabibble from some movie, Terror Eyes
Josh Jackson's relaxin because Fringe has survived

Kevin Kline doing fine taking time off from the screen
Lucy Lawless looks flawless in every Spartacus scene

Mary McDonnell deserved an Emmy, you see
Nick Nolte, why wont he, admit he's Gary Busey

Ozzy Osbourne bit a bat clean through its neck
Parker Posey we all know she stole her scenes on Parks and Rec

Quentin Crisp played a version of himself on TV
Ryan Reynolds has some tentpoles in both Marvel and DC

Susan Sarandon's mother-lovin Timberlake
Tony Todd, acting god, resume so long it looks fake

Umit Ulgen, no really, he's an actor, I swear
Vince Vaughan's not gone, but we're starting not to care

Wally Wingert undoubtedly a voice over expert
Xin Xin Xiong in Hong Kong, is a badass you can't hurt

Yasuo Yamada is the Japanese Kermit
Ziyi Zhang, that gorgeous thang, is killing fools as she sees fit