Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dear Fangirl Who Doesn't Like Twilight - Is Breaking Dawn Part Two Worth Seeing?

For the fifth time, I, someone who thinks the Twilight series is horribly written shlock with the worst role model on the face of a planet for a protagonist, went and saw a Twilight movie with a group of friends opening weekend. We drank, we laughed, we clapped, we whispered "what?!" and "really." and "are you serious?" to each other at least fifteen times, and all in all had a great afternoon. I feel rather conflicted about contributing to Breaking Dawn Part Two's opening weekend haul, but at the same time, I had a truly fantastic Sunday. So perhaps in an attempt to vindicate myself, I decided to write up a little something explaining why the film might be worth seeing. If you have seen the film, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, don't feel compelled to pay for it, but maybe judge me a little less. Hooray! So here we go.  The 10 things you and your friends can giggle about during/after Breaking Dawn Part Two that make it *maybe* worth $11.75, maybe.

Lee Pace
For some reason, Julliard trained amaze balls Lee Pace is in this movie, and he steals every scene he is in and makes me giggle in my ladyparts. He is scrufftastic and sexy and falls in love with a blond vampire because she is a little bit sassy and that's about it. But he elevates the material and sort of a little tiny bit legitimizes the whole thing. Note: This is the only *actually* good thing about the movie on this list.

Open Defiance Of Cinematic Rules
There is a voiceover that begins about a third of the way through, completely out of nowhere. Isn't this a direct affront to rule #1 of screenwriting? I mean, there's not even a diary introduced to justify this thing, it just happens because without it, we wouldn't know what's going on, because either the story is that stupid, or the filmmakers assume the Twilight audience is that stupid. Whatever the reason, you gotta kinda admire a film that simply doesn't give a shit.

The Irish Vampire Clan
They have one line between the three of them. The chick has red hair. The dude is wearing a golf hat hat. They might even be wearing green, and even if they weren't, they might as well have been. We applauded wildly for these guys in the closing credits.

CGI Baby Face
Oh uncanny valley, you've gotten so darn adorbz

Joe Anderson & His Fingerless Gloves
Why is he in this? What was the purpose of his character? This is an actual question to ponder and giggle about! You may also find yourself chuckling over his fingerless gloves, because it's such an obvious "let's show who this character is by his costume" rookie move, cause it actually says roughly nothing about his character. Literally everything about him was pointless. That said, I like Joe Anderson? So I like seeing his face in things? So there's that?

Yes, Jacob Takes His Shirt Off
You really thought you could get through a Twilight movie without this happening? You're silly.

The Amazons
Speaking of poor costume there are these two "Amazon" vampires. I assume that means they live in the Amazon? But are still wearing their skimpy impractical Amazon garb when they run on over to Forks, Washington? No attempt to blend in whatsoever there? And do people really dress like that in the Amazon right now? Like, why? I asked why a lot during this movie. In case you haven't been able to tell. By my repeating the word why over and over again.

Michael Sheen's Cackle
He cackles. It's awesome. And according to Jen Yamato's Moviefone interview with Bill Condon, the cackle that made it in the movie is the toned down version. Badass, Michael Sheen. Badass.

I don't want to spoil it too much for those of you who haven't seen the movie, but that final fight was hilariously awesome even before the...

are you serious?
Final Reveal
Bwhahaha. Zomg Twilight, OF COURSE this is what your climactic ending is. OF COURSE IT IS. The audience reaction was worth the price of admission alone.

And that about does it. I think I'm done thinking about Twilight now. Forever?!?!?! Go watch Buffy. Muse out!


Castling said...

Lee Pace?! Ugh, I may have to get drunk and go see this thing now. ;)

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